constantly trying to prove myself. Being strong. Have the vitality to move on. Having sex. drinking it up. dancing it out. working hard everyday. lack of sleep. seeing beauty everywhere. giving strangers compliments to make them smile. smoking it off. high on confidence. the most intellectual people I know having a drug and or drinking problem. feeling like I really do have anxiety and realizing it within myself of my own actions. how i get nervous so easily. stage fright. heavy breathing. rubbing my thighs when I get nervous. Playing with my hair to relax. Enjoying someone else's company to fast and getting drawn in and getting uncomfortable because I take take take and I get overwhelmed and I need to take a couple steps back, son. Rap music talking about sex and fame and money. Im over it right now. Had to start studying and playing the dictionary game. Dont like being taken for as a dumb blonde...as to young to know what im saying. youre all grown and you cant even follow my directions. need to get out of this small town...

she said to me

well i try to live my life without judging what i don't understand, but you are allowed your own philosophy of life...just saying that a lot of old religions say that certain chemical reactions can lead to spiritual harmony and revelation.

And i can understand that. But I do know that natural chemicals are just as hazardous as anything else. this is a struggle to come to terms with lol

walking out the door looking fabulous. feeling so beautiful for once. I dont need to impress everybody. I havent cried since cliff. that was in november. giving off this fabulous persona. always with great advice. need to do something else with my life! racy thoughts. my mind bouncing everywhere and i cant help it. talking with someone and thinking of things I need to say like a child incredibly impatient. but ill tell you that aderol really helped out. i was at peace for once.

Halloween!

I had such a wonderful weekend with my new besite Jeremiah going to reedley and him being lord of war, Aries. So very handsome =) He has brought out such a positive outlook on life and has helped me SO much. When you go to bed be thankful for your day, be thankful for the people you spent it with, the sky, the stars etc...Ive been figuring out people a lot more by just spending timewith him and feeling someone energy whether its positive or negative and its becoming so much more obvious now. Look at yourself and say your so beautiful, when you meet someone say something nice about what theyre wearing or physical features, making someone else feel good is so gratifying and saying postive things when they say a negative and to see them smile just makes everything better. I feel so much more focused and happy. Im able to focus on what people are talking about and actually listen. Take in what they say. His make up secrets....just everything. He has changed my life.

Soooo last night Davon had a halloween party and Kristi was there when I arrived. Avoided eye contact totally. When she started drinking she got more comfortable of course and said if I ever saw you I would say Evan told me to tell you hi. I said hi. Then later on that night she came to me and said Im not mad at you. Everyone at the apts are asking for you. We were friends before and I would like to go back to that. And I said I dont feel the same. And she said thats fine I understand. And I looked at her for a second and walked away. The whole night she was talking about how happy she was to be single and a player and getting with a whole bunch of girls, Heather and her kissed so I asked Heather if they had hooked up and she said yeah 3 weeks ago. And later onthat night Kristi said we fucked 3 weeks ago and was trying to get with her, doing the same eyebrow I wantyou look on her. Just ugh. She hasnt changed. She was trying to make me jealous all night long. I would roll my eyes and Jeremiah said you should be laughing, shes trying so hard its ridiculous. and I would just laugh because it IS hilarious. She cant break me. I just think it bothers me because I feel shes such an ugly person, and I had to go through that and she hasnt changed at all. And I was so honest with her and shes just so fucked up. Its all such negative energy, the only thing that girl gots going for her is her dancing and her little education. All she wants to do is party. Davon had such a breakthrough last night, she was dancin lettin loose just feelin all kinds of good. Her mom had three heart surgeries because of the clots in her arteries, and she was supposed to be in bed for a week. She has been up walking after 2 days. She said that cause jeremiah her and I did the protection prayer that it had helped. Jeremiah said that her and him see things exactly alike. Its amazing. Its so beautiful to have that with somebody else.

Last night I kept myhead up my shoulders back and just kept doin me. It felt so good. Im going to have to talk to Heather, she doesnt know so many things about what kristi has said about her and shes putting her life on hold for this woman. Its ridiculous. Ive never felt so confident and beautiful and so damn positive about life. I lost my phone sober and im pretty sure it was stolen after I left the bathroom, got charged twice for my plane ticket after I missed it my flight. And its not letting me down one bit. Im not stressed about time anymore...its beautiful. refreshing. How I should of been living for awhile. Be thankful for everything you have <3 Im so moving out of cali by next year. Cali is broke and this area is shit. After going to washington, it just opened my eyes.

I've been working hard a deligently for the past two years at western dental. I've gained a lot of knowledge. I know that this still is the career i want to pursue. Even though people drive me insane with thier ignorance. Even with spelling "ache". And i know being in the relationship i have been in for the past year, has taught me a lot about communication. Being very, very, specific. Having to share every detail in what you're next plan is, whether to go into town, or simply deciding on what it is we want to do to pass time. She wants me to make every decision, and wants to follow through with it completly. When a situation doesn't work out she is SO HARD on herself. And it hurts me so bad inside to see her tear herself down like that. And, its come to a point in this relationship, that i just let it be. There really is nothing that i can do to change her mood. And thats still very very hard for me to cooperate with. I've always tried to be the "fixer". Listening and giving my input. But with Jennifer its so different. With what i say she just lashes back and says "it doesnt matter". And i've trained myself not to let it become a big deal. And it makes me feel that im a totally different person that how i was first with her when i bent over her every whim and im not sure how it should be dealt with exactly.

Now a days, im so stressed. I never stop going. I'm constantly moving and doing something, my head is always spinning. the only time i can actually gather my thoughts and stop stressing about how shitty my wages are is at night with my piece. and how horrible my sister is STILL at being completly irresponsible with her chores with everything around this house. Shes never home, always with someone new, she had her heart broken so now she has the great wall of china up and treating a decent guy like a piece of shit. Thank god Jen is here to help me out with chores or i would be a wreck. My patience and trust has really come to a stand still. I've become very vain. I love it. I cut my hair. I have to have an energy drink everyday to keep up. Im sure im fucking up my body somehow. I'm very bitter about work. I had such a shitty office manager for so long who would lie to me about getting a raise. Now i did fantastic with my evaluation and im sure i wont see a raise until next year. Maybe. I still lack the motivation to move forward....I dont know what will get it out of me. I stay postive the best i can, listening to upbeat music and really listening to lyrics to find they're meaning. I'm so afraid to listen to sad songs and it will just put me right back in that place, i fear it would be difficult to take me out if it I got there. I have much more confidence in myself, I still catch myself trying to impress strangers, but i think thats a libra trait I'll never live down. I'm trying to find more of a sense of fashion since my mother neglected me in that my whole life. And cooking. God that bitch doesn't have an ounce of creativity in her head. Thats so insulting. Maybe she envied me, and didnt understand me. She still doesn't. Sending me text messages of men showing their penis. UGH. Speaking of, since i became a lesbian, a huge femminst as well. Its funny how they collide when you become so bitter when things don't change with several men.

I deserve so much more than this. It sort of affends me that my girlfriend still doesnt have a job, still hasn't accomplished any of the things she had to deal with when we first got together. But she's so anal. So specific, so tidy. She takes care of me like no one ever has, and she truly has shown me what unconditional love looks like. That, im sure, was one of the impacts of me being slightly rebellious in my teen years. I was constantly looking for it in a companion. My mother has shown me so much more dis belief and dissapointment since she moved out. Understandable that i knew it wouldnt change, she is the one who contacts me all the time. I dont even make an effort. I put on a smile. We did have a decent conversation when i had seen her for the first time alone. Its just not going to change, shes always gonna put on this other person around company. And i'll always be head strong and outspoken around her. I just dont like that some of her traits are embedded in me. Like when i gasp like she does about something sad or something that makes me excited. Or that she doesnt think through thouroughly. And that I'm always rushing like her. But im punctual damnet.

My dream is to live in san francisco. Be successful, intelligent, loving, patient, quick witted, always on my toes, a sense of fashion, and to make up my damn mind. I'm going to be 21 saturday. A good girlfriend, a starting career that will take off soon, and a great maciel family that will always be there for me, and have accepted me when i thought it may not even be an option. This year was a good one so far. Slowly learning about expectations and growing up and being respectful. Really realizing what family is all about and that i should be more interested. That being a lesbian really is me. That for years when i was putting up pictures of models from elle and vogue, i was really looking at their faces and wanting to be them. But also being very attracted to them, and not having men up because i never really was to attracted to the male physique. I need a little bit more of a personality. I need to stop tying to be interested in what everyone else is talking about and start conversations for once.

Still trying to stay strong everyday.

i told jennifer that ive been feeling insecure. and the real truth is that its not my feelings. its hers. i told her ive been afraid shes going to leave me. but its her that didnt want to help herself. so i had a long talk with her that she needs to get help. i feel that she didnt care whether she lived or died. i know she doesnt have the transportation, but she needs to take her anger management to get those hours done. only eight hours. thats nothing. she just keeps making up excuses not to do things. shes not doing everything she can to get better. shes missed one hospital appointment, shes missed two dental appointments, today because she was working on the cars with luis cause i guess none of the cars were working. and im just like fed up. im still so so angry. i just thought i love and care for her so much, and its not rubbing off of her. shes not getting it. its been three months almost four. and i asked her tonight if she loved herself, because i was so so upset today, the way that she makes me feel-- its so unbelieveable. that shes doing this to me. that i have these feelings i have. i was shaking, so upset, just head spinning. the grip on the steering wheel, the cigarette puffs, it was insane. but i asked her, i asked her if she loved herself. and she said yes, yes i do. and i doubt her. and i also told her, you have to love yourself before you can love another, and, you didnt need me before you had me, and you dont need me now. please remember that. those are two loaded statements. i just feel like im so much more mature than her at times. i just feel so stressed. and im not happy. i have my happy times, but its like there are so many other objects in my way. i work to hard. i dont get paid what im worth. i dont feel appreciated. things are much better at home, that got eliminated awhile ago. but its like fuck. and now i have this fever blister or fuckin cold sore i dont know. its so gross and green and i hate it.

jessica and i are talking more. she would take hours and hours to text me back some days, and she confessed she thought that she liked me. but she realized it wasnt the case. that she just feels so much more protected about me then emily and amanda. and its sweet. so were better now. cause i really missed her. she was just secluding herself. shes making so much progress, shes working so so hard. she works out twice a day i believe, she quit smoking, quit drinking, shes dieting like crazy. shes doing so so well for herself. its amazing.

jennifer just makes me feel. so much. and im so open and never hiding. and shes so much more naive than i am, "i wear my heart on my sleeve." and she shows me her wrist with her tattoo. she was the first one to tell me she wanted to be with me forever. she relates all the time "no point. no point in cheating, to have meaniless horrible sex?" everythings about it, seems like sometimes. and i know im amazing, i make her feel great. and she satisfies me as well, so much. i love how satisfied i am and that i've finally found my place. but it makes me wonder. there are just flaws if i really think about it, i would always be chasing her, always calling, texting, flirting, starting so we can make love. it was driving me nuts. but she said she was getting use to it cause it use to never happen. how she has to drink sometimes cause shes thinking so much and she cant fall asleep. she wont open up to me, she feels bad when she cries because i guess her ex's told her to stop that they didnt want to hear it. which is so stupid to me. she needs to open up cause i feel like shes hiding things from me. and i go through her phone and look at her messages. and uuuuuuugggggghhhhhh im so fucking jealous of crystal. i hate it. im not use to this feeling. and i really despise it. shes constanting on herself, always bringing herself down. "i dont know why you even bother." "i cant believe your still here and put up with my shit." its like cause i care its a horrible thing. that im something good in her life and i bring her light and happyness. and shes trying to make me feel bad for it. i hate feeling right now. i just feel horrible, i feel bad for the stupid people i let touch me in the past, because i was naive and just wanted love and comfort for a father figure. or just affection i wasnt receieving. i use to hate myself so much, now ive come to terms and its like uuuuugh its not enough or something. if jennifer fucking dies, i dont even know. were so close. it will completely consume me i know it.

im tired of excuses. i dont do it. not with the important things anyway, i have my pace. the world really is a fucked up place. and we have to try and live and deal with it. i had a cigarette and it tasted like shit. it was wierd. and i felt i smelled so bad. i cant even smoke to calm down and feel better. wtf. oh and i quit for 5 days. but jennifer keeps on rising these feelings and making it very difficult, if not impossible. i am doing this for myself, but shit. jennifer is amazing, we have so much in common, but ill drop her if i have to. and i hope she knows it in her head. that i am independent. and i will leave her if im not happy, and for her own good to be better to herself. its not cause im in the wrong, or anything like that. its nice. no guilt. no pain that im causing to her. its a great grief taken off my shoulders. david was just the last straw, i learned so much, and  its amazing how the brain works.

god im such a sucker for her. i always wanna help her in every way possible. so selfless at times. its how i've always been. wanting to be the healer. thats just brittany. to learn and get rid of her problems. wow. i have grown up. and i use to think i was so much more slower than other people in my class. well i was like the baby. but im at my own pace and learning about myself far more when i got out of high school more than anything. and i love it. im such a better person and its great.

fuck

jammin to// chop suey- system of a down; alone i break- korn; falling away from me- korn; poem- taproot; fine again- seether; running away- hoobastank; ex-girfriend- no doubt; passive- a perfect circle; the noose- a perfect circle;

[[i was feeling like a rocking mood. havent done it in awhile.]]

EDIT

something ive definetly realized in the past few days of being all grrr and angry and upset with jennifer. it gives me stomach pain. and its a bitch. its like really body? why do you have to react so bad. and hate me. im sorry. ill take better care of you later. i wanna go out and socialize. *pout* but its probably safer staying home and not having to explain myself to jennifer in the morning. can always drink alone too. but thats morbid. cant have that. im going to try and smoke a gross cigarette again. maybe it will taste better. oooooo and, i weight 147.5. i weigh less now than i did in high school. beat that anorexia!!!!

gay girl accepted by parents after 8 years!

 so i wrote in my notebook after crying with jennifer on the phone. she said i have to write out my emotions and tell them how i feel about her, about my sister, and just in general how they make me feel. well i wrote 4 pages front and back, and i covered a lot of things. from how im not ever taken in to consideration to what i say and they hurt me, how brooke is so freaking spoiled, how i really am gay, i have slept with men and women and i prefer women, and i love jennifer and our connection. about david and i's relationship my job and how they push me. and just in general, it went beautifully. my dad said well i accept you, thats fine your gay. i just want you happy, if being with jennifer does that for you, than fine. and they said i need to talk to vaa and grandma and grandpa. dad actually said that. so yeah, big steps next year   im pretty shocked, relived, happy, i mean a lot was accomplished in 40 minutes. its really really nice. i hung out with jessica today, we exchanged gifts, talked a lot. she talked about how her dad should of been there for her when she was 12 and he was cheating on his mom for 6 years and how it really messed her up; she has abandoment issues, how shes so moody cause of the chemo, she will hate her mom one day and love her the next day. shes always yelling and expressing how she really feels, she needs to get the surgery done so she can go back to being her. she feels like shes just toxic walking around, that she needs to get this kicked and going. shes being exercising religiously, doing a great job, watching what she eats and giving herself calories a day. shes going awesome. i told her i freak out when jennifer doesnt text me within 10 mintues, that i think the worst. so im either needy or i still have trust issues. and she says seriously, i think your trying to control her. and im like......i dont think i am? lol i just need attention i worry about her. just wanna know everything she's doing....:-s im addicted.

i successfully distracted myself with olivia wilde. woops. so yeah, i just feel so much more more at ease. i dont have to hide anything at all anymore. its just oh hey its brittany. god its so wonderful. i feel so so much better. this was definetly a stepping stone.

love her <3